Tag Archives: humor

[100 Things] Licking the Toothpaste

12 May

Oh, don’t look at me like that. Even if you’re married and can’t actually lick the toothpaste, I bet you’ve been tempted.

Just a little too much squeezed out…welp, can’t put it back in the tube…is anyone watching but the cat…

*LICK*.

Sure, it sounds gross. But only because of the possibility of being the second person to lick the toothpaste, instead of the first.

Licking the toothpaste, along with drinking milk out of the carton, eating ice cream straight from the container, and leaving your dirty socks on the floor, are all the province of single people. I know if I was sharing my tube of toothpaste with someone, I wouldn’t be licking it. Who knows where that other person’s tongue has been!

But since I’m single, there’s no one around to witness my gross behavior. Or to possibly infect me with hoof-and-mouth disease, or whatever you might get from going around licking things other people have licked.*

A blogger I follow recently mentioned that she brushes her teeth in the shower. That’s one I hadn’t thought of before, and you couldn’t really do that if you shower with a partner. Then again, between washing extremely recalcitrant thick hair and shaving my legs and trying to get clean, I already have enough to last me 20 minutes if I don’t rush!

What other sorts of cool, “gross” things am I missing out on doing? Give me some ideas!

This is part of my [100 Things About Being Single] series.

* Keep your dirty jokes to yourself!

[100 Things] Snoring

30 Apr

You want to know one of the great things about being single?

Snoring.

Yup, I said great. And I meant great. Let’s view it as a sort of married-people’s waterboarding. A form of torture we single people aren’t forced to endure.

I come from a venerable line of snorers myself. My mom’s family spent years trying to convince Grandma that she snored. They even tried to tape record her. As a kid, I was always on Grandma’s side. After all, I never heard her snoring! (I always conveniently ignored the fact that I was such a restless sleeper that I probably kept Grandma awake whenever I spent the night.) My mom doesn’t snore much, unless she’s got a cold.

On dad’s side of the family, the snoring is even more amazing. Grandpa used to fall asleep in the recliner whenever we visited (this is a trait of the males in that family; I’m sure it has nothing to do with my scintillating conversation and wit as a visitor). The deeper his sleep got, the louder his snores got. And the more amusing. We used to sit in the living room giggling while one leg twitched in time with the snores.

But barring family vacations and boring living room visitors, we single people don’t have to deal with the day-to-day (or night-to-night) reality of sharing the bed with a snoring partner.

And thank God we don’t. Because if my husband snored the way my dad does, I’d be a widow at a really young age.

 

This is part of my [100 Things About Being Single] series.

%d bloggers like this: