Tag Archives: dating

Having Your Heart In It

22 Feb

I have a confession to make. I’ve been seeing someone.

It feels weird. I reconnected with an old friend recently, and he happened to be unattached. We used to have a Thing, way back when, which we never acted on. He suggested we give it a go, and I said sure.

Thing is…I’m not the same person I was back then. He isn’t, either, but I’ve changed in one significant way that he hasn’t–I no longer feel the need or, generally, the desire for romantic companionship.

This doesn’t bode well for the relationship.

I’ve said before that singleness isn’t a gift, at least not in the way so many Christians assume. But through this most recent experience, I’ve come to realize that God does call certain people to be single, insofar as He grants certain people the particular grace and strength to face life without a helpmeet. And I’m pretty sure I’m one of those people.

I’m not saying it’s a good or a bad thing. It’s just a thing. I don’t want to imply that people who need romantic partners are weak, needy, or less spiritual. People who need romantic partners are just different from people who don’t need them. And I certainly don’t mean I don’t need anyone in my life. I do. I have my family of parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I have my single-style family (we need an official term for that) of my close friends, sisters of my heart. And there’s definitely a place in my life for this old friend/would-be-boyfriend, if he wants it. But that place, I regret to say, isn’t as my partner or spouse.

I love the time we spend together. I enjoy talking to him and bouncing ideas off him. I enjoy listening to his perspective on things (which is often, but not always, a lot different from mine). I like just hanging out and being around him. But I don’t want to take it any further than this. I don’t want hugs or kisses, hand-holding or flowers, and I definitely don’t want to go home with him every night.

Not that I’m not attracted to him. I am. But…

Well, I just don’t have my heart in it.

I’m not looking forward to having this conversation with him. The line, “It’s not you, it’s me,” is so trite and over-used no one believes it anymore. But it’s true in this case. Telling him, “I believe God has called me to singleness,” sounds too holier-than-thou and, frankly, like a cop-out. The one good thing about this is how open I was with him from the beginning. I told him I hadn’t dated in a long time and hadn’t had any desire to date. I told him I wasn’t sure if I was cut out to be in a relationship of this type. I told him I need a lot of me time and my own space. And he was good enough to listen, and he took me at my word. But I suspect he got his hopes up a little more than he should have.

For now, I’ll keep praying about it and see what guidance God grants me the next time we’re together.

Any thoughts, friends? What would you do in my situation? What would you want to hear in his place?

I Could Get a Spouse…If I Wanted To

18 Oct

Yeah, I know how egotistical that sounds, on the face of it. But I was talking to one of my rad Christian girl friends the other night, and I want to share a story she told.

She was thinking about stereotypical couples–you know, the tall, skinny guy and his cuddly-sized wife. The sloppy girl and her neatfreak partner. The domineering wife and her hen-pecked husband. And she jokingly thought to herself, “I could get a spouse if I wanted to. Just go out and find me a tall, skinny guy with a big nose.”

It was a humorous thought, but it brought her to a bigger realization. Yes, she could get a spouse if she wanted. She is capable of getting out there, signing up for online dating websites or joining meetup groups, going to the usual places where you meet a spouse. She’s perfectly capable of introducing herself to someone, flirting, pursuing a deeper connection. She could.

If she wanted to. Which she doesn’t.

She related the story to me, and I laughed, but I wasn’t laughing at her. I was laughing because I’ve had that moment too.

It’s that moment when you realize, not for the first time, but in a new way, that you like being single. You aren’t in search of a life-partner to share your bed. You are content with your life the way it is, and you have no desire to change that.

Fellow singles, have you had that moment? I want to hear about it!

My Singleness Cred

28 Mar

I’m an expert at being single. But if you want a little proof, here’s a quick rundown of my CV of singleness.

  • Only child – 1976 to present
  • First kiss – 1997 (21 years old)
  • First boyfriend – 2000 (3 month relationship)
  • Second boyfriend – 2003 (6 month relationship with a 3-week break)
  • Third boyfriend – TBA

Sure, I’ve gone on plenty of dates both before and after those two shining examples of relationships. And they were both good relationships, don’t get me wrong. Two lovely men, both of whom are now married to other people, both of whom I’m friends with on Facebook.

The first kiss guy doesn’t count as a boyfriend, since we only went on about three dates, and a few months after he quit calling, he started dating a friend of mine. And we won’t talk about how two of my biggest high school crushes (and one prom date) turned out to be gay.

Just last year I had the opportunity to explore a more-than-friends relationship with a Godly man I admire. We turned out to have incompatible expectations of what that more-than-friends relationship would entail. We’re still friends, but that’s it.

I think it was that last opportunity that made me take a long look at my life and decide that I’m happy being single. I’m also blessed with a family where singleness isn’t seen as a curse. I have two unmarried aunts and an uncle who married after 40. I had several great-uncles who never married. I’ve been vocal since childhood about not wanting children, and thank God, my mother believes me, even if most people tell me I’ll change my mind when I meet the right guy.

What it boils down to, though, is that I have plenty of authority with which to speak about being single. I can only tell you about my experiences of life as a single Christian. But I’m interested in hearing about other people’s experiences of life as a single Christian too.

It’s time for an open, honest dialogue to take place between church leaders and single people. And this is where I want it to start.

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